i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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