You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
