Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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