I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
