In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
