my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
