totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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