alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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