you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm passing your future prison.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
