seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
