I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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