he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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