I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
