Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
