Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
