i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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