sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
