Are we in a gay sports bar?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
