You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
