hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
