you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
