She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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