Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
