4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
