the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
