He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
