I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
