Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
