I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
