I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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