dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
