We're facebook friends in real life
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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