I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
