He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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