Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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