i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i dont even know how to be here
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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