dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
