I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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