So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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