I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
