Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize