Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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