I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
