I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
