Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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