I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
