I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
