Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
