He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
