You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
