You can't special order awesome
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
