well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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