It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
