i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
