It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
