She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
