Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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