I cannot find my penis.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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