I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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