I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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