And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
